So, I got a new job starting a little later this month. It’ll be the first traditional employment I’ve had in 15+ years, but I’m currently burnt out on being a freelancer and want to get back to steady paychecks for a while.

In the course of going through the hiring process, my new company had me take a personality assessment quiz. The assessor – a one man company called Worthington Hurst in Chicago – evaluates a job history document, a job description from the company and a kinda unique 100-question personality quiz consisting of sentence fragments that you have to complete. Here’s my responses, along with the results that the company got back. (By the way, I found out companies are required by law to let you see any and all evaluations like this that. So, if you have something on file with your company, you probably have access to it, if you care enough to see it.)

SURVEY RESPONSES (fragments in bold, my additions in not-bold)

1. I was happiest when people were counting on me for things I love to do.
2. “When behind the wheel” is better than being in front of the wheel.
3. People under me are finding it hard to breathe, me being 250+ lbs and all.
4. Having people lean on me is satisfying.
5. Other people usually do things that are unusual.
6. It is tiring to exercise. Seriously.
7. When I’m put under pressure, I get all Capricorn about it.
8. She is something else.
9. Nothing makes me more furious than injustice for the weak.
10. At night I sleep soundly. Or work. Or… both.
11. Some day I‘ll look back on all this and laugh.
12. What people like most about me is most evident when I show up and play hard.
13. I miss being carefree.
14. It’s fun to daydream about winning the lottery – how much good could you do with that!
15. Brothers and sisters are mirrors – they make you proud, and cringe.
16. When it comes to seeing things, I need glasses.
17. What a man wants most in a woman can be counted on one hand.
18. Walking barefoot in the mud… um, no thanks.
19. When they laughed at me, I did nothing, to my regret.
20. I can’t understand what makes me pass gas.
21. Our family was terrible and beautiful.
22. The main driving force in my life floats around – it’s hard to pin down.
23. As for my legs, the less said, the better.
24. Praise makes me do better next time.
25. Anybody will work hard if they feel they have ownership.
26. I would rather do without small biting insects. Hate ‘em.
27. Nothing worse can happen to a man than to lose his sense of himself.
28. The part of my body hardest to hurt is the visible part.
29. My worst mistake was not telling it like I saw it.
30. If they tell me it’s dangerous, I find out why.
31. What one wants most in a friend is for them to show up.
32. Bosses are an opportunity for creativity.
33. A person who always smiles is not to be trusted. Usually.
34. Most people don’t know that I have a third nipple.
35. Discipline is a loaded word.
36. I get down in the dumps when I cast my past as a series of failures.
37. Giving me the authority is something you can feel comfortable with doing.
38. The future has yet to be written.
39. If the company is nice, invite ‘em over again.
40. I would like most to be photographed while skinny.
41. Having to stop learning is an impossible requirement.
42. If I’m alone I like it for a while. Then I don’t.
43. My only trouble is that I see trouble where it doesn’t exist.
44. The strongest part of me is my stubbornness.
45. If I had my way, people would always feel safe.
46. My father had courage when it counted.
47. Weakness comes from over-estimating your strength.
48. The thing I like about myself is that I can do and learn what it takes.
49. If I would only finish this, I could go to lunch.
50. My mouth needs help.
51. The world – what a crazy beautiful sad place.
52. People think of me as bigger than I experience myself to be.
53. Getting started is… This is one of those incriminating application questions, isn’t it?
54. Guns are just another manifestation of the human desire for control.
55. Every man is a gold mine of possibility.
56. Secretly I pick my nose.
57. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see something different than what I imagine.
58. I would like to be genteelly wealthy.
59. When luck turns against me, I storm and brood. And then I deal with it.
60. I think most conferences are too general to be useful.
61. What a woman wants most in a man is more than you can count on ten hands.
62. To be a leader is to help others find the leader in themselves.
63. The part of my body most easily hurt is the inside.
64. To get along in a group, one must be authentic.
65. The way a person looks is their story about how they see the world.
66. He, he, he.
67. When I let go it generally works out for the best anyway.
68. People over me are just like the people under me – one big human sandwich.
69. Money is something I notice more than I think I should.
70. As for my head, well… It’s bald…?
71. Being older would be inevitable. Wiser – not so much.
72. Nothing is so frustrating as the part in between starting to learn and starting to get it.
73. The best measure of personal success is that you defined it, and you reached it.
74. When work piles up, I turn to the messy geniuses (Einstein, etc.) for inspiration.
75. If people only knew how capable they are, they could relax more.
76. Marriage is designed to take you to the edge and make you decide who you’re gonna be.
77. My mother got lost somewhere. I wish she knew where.
78. Work can be the launching pad for life.
79. When I see hills, I feel at home.
80. If I only hadn’t eaten that last spoonful.
81. I will do anything to make sure it happens.
82. When others disagree, I get interested.
83. I like subordinates who don’t play small.
84. As far as my hearing is concerned, it survived my rock band days.
85. Getting dirty is a necessary evil, but only in yardwork and recreation, and… ‘Nuff said.
86. I prefer the company of those who love life.
87. The weakest part of me is making the initial commitment.
88. Being younger would be way more overrated than it actually is.
89. A “man’s man” is a guy who has thrown up the wrong fences.
90. There are times when I wonder, “where’s my other shoe?”
91. In the morning, I roll over.
92. When I have something to say, it’s taken me some time to get there.
93. I failed at speaking the truth in love.
94. At the end of the day, I look forward to the next morning’s perspective.
95. I like a car that gets me from here to there without interrupting my thoughts.
96. I suffer most from over-analysis.
97. When others do better, I get quietly competitive.
98. My greatest ambition is to express myself and have others do the same.
99. Children can be, and are, more than we can imagine.
100. Finding no one to help me makes me lonely. Teams are better.

THE RESULTING ANALYSIS

Quick-witted and creatively adept, this self-motivated man’s need for control is probably the primary reason he has never held a nine-to-five job (or at least one that he will list on an employment application) more than 17 years after graduating from college. Despite his assertion that he is leaving this work style presently because he is “burnt out,” it seems much more likely that his family’s needs and the downturn in the economy are forcing him to make such a move. Might find enjoyment-even professional fulfillment to a certain extent-from a more regimented work experience, but it will not be easy for him to submit himself to a work life of teamwork and responding on a regular basis to someone else’s dictates. And his potential for making a successful transition could be influenced by factors entirely outside the work place: his wife, also an artist, may end up with more freedom to pursue her own artistic muse.

In sum, this application represents, almost certainly, a nod to pragmatic personal and business concerns, rather than a sought-after career move in a new direction. Relatively sedentary, he is much more agile intellectually than he is physically. Though his pursuits appear rather narrowly focused on the arts, within that milieu he has a fairly eclectic range of interests from which he can draw creative inspiration. Is not used to punching a clock, taking direction, or having others to contend with when he is working. As he finds a level of acceptance with all these new aspects of working in an organization, they will draw energy and focus away from the talents that have brought him to this place. How well he adapts will determine his ultimate success-and, in a real sense, his value to the company.

If he has the technical skills and knowledge necessary for the job (Since, as he says, he is “completely self-taught,” there is no way to check credentials through completed course-work, certifications, etc.), he is judged Solidly Adequate for [name of job title], with the proviso that it would be wise to reach agreement on a probationary period during which he and the company can explore the relationship without committing to a long-term arrangement that might be unworkable-or at least uncomfortable-for either party. While he enjoys the attention his work has brought him, he is not a particularly forthcoming person. Will warm slowly to others and may be a challenge to supervise.

“Relatively sedentary, he is much more agile intellectually than he is physically.” “Solidly Adequate.” What more could a guy want from his personality assessment than that…?